A Colonel sketch
The drunken colonel, after a morning aperitif of several G&T’s, finds himself seated for lunch in a restaurant he happened to fall into:
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“Waiter, there’s a turd in my soup.”
“No Sir, that is Tofu.”
“Toffee, waiter? I like to drink my soup, not chew on it.”
“T.O.F.U. Sir. It is a meat alternative.”
“Waiter, if I ask for chicken soup why would you serve me a meat alternative?”
“House rules Sir.”
“House rules? What the devil are you talking about man?”
“Yes Sir. This is a vegetarian restaurant Sir. We do not offer meat products.”
“Vegetarian restaurant? What, you mean no meat and two veg?”
“Just the two veg Sir, in fact more if you wish Sir.”
“Vegetarians… I blame vegetarianism on the lesbians you know.”
“What, Sir, may I ask, have the two in common?”
“There you go, you just said it. Greenham Common. Thirty years ago thousands of ordinary housewives went there to protest about nuclear deployment. They all came back lesbians and vegetarians.”
“Oh Sir, I think you are exaggerating the link, even if I am too young to remember. After all, I grew up a vegetarian.”
You’re not gay are you?”
“No Sir, I am married.”
“And your wife, she doesn’t bat for the other team then does she?”
“Sir, I can assure you we have two healthy boys, who are not gay and we are all vegetarians. About the soup Sir?”
“Something less resembling a floating turd would be my soup of choice. Oh, and waiter, a man can only drink so much water; bring me the wine list would you?”
“Sir, this is a non-alcoholic restaurant, we intentionally do not have a licensed premises.”
“?!?!?”
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Exit waiter, rapidly.
My Words, My World 